Grief, mental health and fishing.....

how a fishing tournament helped me face prolonged grief;  time, reflection & voices from angels brought me back around & out of my head, with a new type of joy...

Do you have a person who just understands you. The one who listens without judgement during a 2am phone call. The one who randomly reaches out for a wellness check to make you laugh, play the guitar or tell you to “get your shit together.” They are your mirror in life’s struggles and celebrations, and your biggest fan throughout it all. Having this person is as important in the life of someone who has a mental health disorder as a licensed clinician.

For me, my cousin Ryan was that person, as was I. We made so many plans, pacts, proposals and promises - through laughter, tears, anger, and maybe even gunshots. We told each other everything or we just sat quietly. Just knowing the other was there was always soothing. It was consistent, too.

But the one thing we didn’t plan for was his untimely death.

When we got the news on February 6, 2022 that Ryan died, that moment changed everything for so many close people. As for me, I went into a place mentally that I’d never been before. At least not by myself because my Baby Boi was gone. I couldn’t even talk for two weeks. When I did, it wasn’t pretty.  A few random people got told to fuck off and I had a tough time being empathetic the needs and feelings of others. I spent sleepless nights taking notes, piecing things together and trying to figure out who to blame, crying on the bench at his gas station and flipping off the stars in the sky.

 Surprisingly, the National Institute of Mental Health says these are normal symptoms of grief and bereavement. Difficulty sleeping, loss of interest in daily activities, and becoming more aggressive or irritable, along with hostility, can be expected in those experiencing grief. However, without help, normal grieving can turn into prolonged and complicated grief, manifesting itself into serious physical and  psychological conditions. It can manifest itself into peculiar things. Especially if you’re bipolar.

I was 15 when I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, a term that the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) has since termed outdated, so I am diagnosed as Bipolar 1, with rapid cycling. Mental health diagnoses are personal and very real. However, they have been widely considered as shameful secrets and they are the subject of many jokes. That judgement HURTS.  My cousins and I knew that pain, firsthand.

Losing Ryan sent me back to August 2000, when lost my first best friend ever, Blair. Her and I got our mental health diagnosis around the same time. But her bipolar disorder was a little more severe than mine. and required more medication. Nonetheless, we embraced it in our teenage years and into college. I can see so clearly now that we had these disorders in our childhood, the way we mirrored each other. Gosh. What a special friend she was.

Blair and I fished. We tied monofilament to sticks and attached bobbers and worms to catch brim in the ditch. We dipped minnows with milk jugs and named each one. We stole her dad’s glittery artificial lures and put them in our purses to take to bible school with us. We also stole all the newspapers in the neighborhood on Granny Louella’s 3-wheel bike and returned them two hours later. But that’s another story.....

Fishing has always been a soothing way of life for me and my cousins. Our grandfather, Pop, used to take us on the boat after school and on summer days. We would chase the ferry and jump the waves in his Carolina Skiff. If we caught something, he would watch us cut the fool and pretend to be so aggravated, making us laugh even more. 

Ryan and I fished so often, we jokingly started calling ourselves the Swan Quarter Pro Staff. We would putter out into the Pamlico Sound to solve anything and everything about life while we reeled in all the local species (or nothing). We would play “fishin paparazzi,” striking countless poses with our catches. His “pet” muskrat, Shredder, showed up like clockwork every time we rode by the Narrows, and we would feed him a Cheeto.

In my first stages of grief, I vocalized with conviction, that I could never fish again. However, I quickly retracted when my niece (and sidekick and bright spot throughout the hurt) looked up at me with eyes full of alligator tears. That shook me. She fished with Ryan. He taught her to drive the boat, just like Pop. Her Uncle Ryan was helping make memories that we had in our childhood. How could I take that from the next generation?

But I still haven’t fished since the day Ry and I got into the gray trout, back in 2021. Grief SUCKS.

Time was healing me slowly. Then I learned about a fishing tournament to be held in Ryan’s memory in October '23 and it all came back. It came back HARD.

I was so upset, lost, alone and straight MAD. How could I not be involved in something like this? If there was ever an expert on the subject, it was ME. Dammit.  I wrote a published fishing column for five years. I fished countless tournaments over the past 20 years and helped with judging and promotion. I have tons of tackle shop contacts and folks to appoint for help. More importantly, I fished with Ryan ALL THE TIME. Be damned if I would go and support the “slow your roll” tournament.

Somehow, through that rage, I heard our grandma, Mama Edith, reminding me that feeling sorry for yourself is UGLY. And since she always said I was to pretty to act that way, I got it together. I actually went to the tournament awards ceremony, too. I didn’t fish because, well, I was bullheaded and mad. Damn, grief!

Sadly, my nieces didn't fish either. I was refusing to see the joy and refusing to let others see, too. Here is this community event organized with love and utmost respect, with games and prizes and laughter and food. I was acting ugly about it, over there in the car with my lips run out. Once again, of my angels spoke from beyond the grave, “Get your shit together, Megan.” Ryan never hesitated to tell me that.

Mike Wheeler, tournament organizer, helper and advocate for lots of folks in my small town, was on the microphone when I returned to the festivities. He was about to call out the winners and had asked me to take some pictures. But then he did something I didn’t expect. He brought his mental health struggles to light, telling the whole town that he had trouble with depression and anxiety and that he saw a counselor for it. Like almost everyone, he had kept it very private due to the stigma.

He went on to say that he candidly mentioned something about his anxiety to Ryan one day when he was getting his car worked on.  Ryan opened right up about his lifelong struggle with severe anxiety. He invited Mike to go fishing with him because that was one of his favorite coping methods.Actually, I think he demanded that Mike go fishing, if he wanted his car fixed. And from then on, those two had a bond in the name of mental health wellness, fishing and Jesus. They checked in on each other often and there was never shame or stigma attached to the conversation. 

Well, shit. That was what Ryan used to do for me, too! And it was that genuine outreach and judgment free conversation that I'd missed the most. Then it dawned on me, like my fishing line just got hit and was running deep off the pontoon boat:  WE CAN KEEP THE CONVERSATION ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH GOING. That's what the world needs now! Open conversation, less judgement, genuine concern and a good friend to fish with.

And that’s exactly what Mike meant for this tournament. He had used the money that was donated to his church in Ryan’s name, building on that conversation and first fishing trip with him. He placed emphasis on how a small, random act of kindness can help someone make it through another day. The entire event was free, his only condition was that everyone make a point to call their neighbors throughout the year just to check on them, because showing you care is as simple as saying hello. Also, he asked folks to complete a short wellness survey, as he introduced local health professionals and highlighted resources in the community. Then it was all fun and games after that with loads and loads of prizes.

The survey was the most remarkable idea because it “took the temperature” of the community’s mental health. And it honestly was not good.

Nearly everyone there admitted they had struggled with anxiety and depression at some point. And that’s ok.  But the real issue is that almost 90 percent of people admitted that they didn’t talk about it. If they did talk aobut it, they were most likely to talk to the internet. Talking to a friend was a close second, with family being third. Mental health professionals were not on the radar and most participants said they weren’t aware of the resources in the community.

THAT’S BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS!

And that’s got to change. Let's start by reaching out to someone, just to say hello and how are you. Below, you'll find some resources that could be helpful for anyone struggling to stay afloat. Feel free to share. Feel free to share your story in the comments. too. Let's talk about it.....

 Dial or text 988 for suicide & crisis lifeline

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or experiencing a mental health crisis, dial 988 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Crisis counselors listen without judgment and will work to ensure that you feel safe while helping to identify mental health services in your area.

follow these links for  health and wellness resources

• See your options for Affordable Care Health Insurance: View LOW COST pricing and plans with a personalized quote. Coverage for mental health treatment, including substance abuse treatment, is included, regardless of preexisting conditions. Actually, it’s REQUIRED BY LAW as essential health benefits.\

• LEARN MORE about mental health, behavioral and substance abuse treatment coverage with Affordable Care Heath Marketplace Insurance.

• How to Find Grief & Bereavement Support Groups | The Love Always Project: Online and in-person options for grieving family members, spouses and friends.

• HelpLine-Resource-Directory.pdf (nami.org) Get access to over 600 mental health resources, offered by public and private organizations.